I used to be the perfect parent... and then I had kids.

You know what really tweaks my melons? 

When someone tells me how raise MY kids.

 In particular, when the parent's own children act like the spawn of Satan.

But my absolute favorite parents are the ones without kids. Yup, you read that correctly. I try to take their advice with a grain of salt because in my past life, I was QUEEN of kid-less parenting. I had a solution to every issue you could possible encounter as a parent. Ask anyone, I was the BEST.

• Your child was acting out? 

1. Take their toys away.
2. Swat them on the rear
3. (Age dependent) Give them chores

• If your children didn't listen, it was because you weren't being consistent enough

To me, there was NO excuse to have a child that didn't mind well. I don't know if it was the way I was raised (tough love) or if it was because I knew how I wanted my children to act and I thought all children responded the same way to a certain type of discipline. I thought that if you didn't spank your child, you were being too soft on them. I mean, spanking worked so well on my hypothetical children, so why wouldn't it work on your human kids? Sheesh.

Then the good Lord blessed me with a real live baby.... And not only did he bless with me a baby, but he blessed me with two... 11 months apart. And boy, LET ME TELL YOU.

My first one, a boy, had gastric issues. No one would listen to me, so he screamed A LOT as a baby. Eventually he outgrew them and he weaned himself off of the bottle at 9 months. He is a VERY head strong little boy. He learned to sit up at 3 months, to stand at 6 months and was running by 9. His mind is still always developing faster than his little body is. Therefore, we aren't strangers to melt downs. I like to call them his "Disney princess" moments. 

He climbs on everything. He gets into everything. He watches me do something once (like open the child lock on medications) and he can do it himself immediately afterwards. This child is going to be the death of me because he IS going to give me a heart attack. 

D has a combination of mine and his father's worst traits: my "You can tell me this is going to end badly, but I have to experience it for myself" and his dad's adrenaline seeking gene. So, needless to say, D has to climb and fall, open and get in trouble, get into and make a mess of something 9 or 10 times before he believes that it isn't going to work out or that he will consistently be disciplined. THEN, to top all of that off, he responds negatively to negative punishment. IT LITERALLY DOESN'T WORK. So, my entire "guide to being the perfect parent" is about as useful as a giving a steak to a vegetarian. 

Don't even get me started on my daughter. My hypothetical daughter was always dressed up in a cute outfit. complete with a matching headband and shoes. She had her ears pierced and always her toe nails painted. Now, my real life, human daughter, well, she has NONE of those things. Mainly because I am terrified to take her out in public. 

Why, you might ask? Dear Lord have mercy... She screams NON STOP. I have done everyyyythingggggg- Massages, chiropractor, acid meds, teething meds, colic meds, changing formula (soy and hypoallergenic), changing her diaper brand, wipes, etc. NOTHING WORKS. 

Being an amazing hypothetical parent really set me up to fail when it came to doing the real thing.

So I'm here to tell you a few of the things no one tells someone who is about to become a parent.

-NO, birth is NOT a beautiful thing. Its oozy and goozy and your  postpartum belly will feel like a waterbed 

-NO you will not instantly forget all of the pain you just went through when you see their little face 

-If your child claims it, its theirs. It doesn't matter that it was your last bite, only bite, favorite food. 

-Think of the most annoying song you've ever heard, that's now all your child wants to listen to

-Basically, YOUR CHILD(REN) OWN YOUUUUUU

- Oh, and HIDE EVERYTHING BECAUSE....

And possibly the most important piece of information you can be given as a parent:

Bad days happen. 

You'll get frustrated more than normal, the kids will act out when you are the store, some days only think you will be able to get them to eat will be string cheese and fruit snacks.... But that doesn't make you a bad Mombie.  REPEAT AFTER ME: 

"I am a good Mombie (or Dadcula) and I'm just having a bad day." 

End of story. 

Just to prove you're not alone, I'm adding a hilarious video I stumbled a crossed that shows the inner dialog of parents most days from The Gabbie Show on YouTube

I like to ask myself a question towards the end of the day, every day. "Did I love you enough today?" and if I can't honestly answer that question with a strong "yes", then I spend the rest of my night dedicated to my kids. It doesn't matter that I meant to spend that time washing dishes, folding laundry, watching my shows, playing on my phone to relax- that time is now for my kids. 

I NEVER want them to think that I am too busy to get on the floor and rough house with them, to have a tea party with them, to simply sit down and watch a show or give them my undivided attention without my phone in my hand.

And last but not least, here's a tip for the future that you can thank me for later:

So basically, teach your children how to to make a mean cocktail starting a young age, like 2. You'll have your own personal bartender AND it will also look good on their future resumes.

You're welcome.

How I think you should raise your child(ren)

I’ve noticed that there has been quite a bit of controversy lately over how a person should or should not raise their child(ren).  I’m not sure if that’s the way it’s always been and I’m just noticing it now because I have children or if it is a newer topic. But either way, here is how I feel you should raise your children:

ANY WAY YOU DAMN WELL PLEASE.

As long as your child(ren) are well and safe, who is someone else to say that your way is wrong?

I grew up with a very strong willed and narrow minded mother, which was both a blessing and a curse. She was decisive and always got what she wanted and needed. But the curse came out when it came for her children (my parent have 8) to form an opinion of their own, because that wasn’t allowed. We were raised in more of an old fashioned way. We were brought up with strong Christian rules and that was just the way it was. My mother stayed at home with us children; she also was a home birth midwife who 100% stood behind breastfeeding. She was anti vaccination, anti sugar, anti caffeine, anti pants, anti bathing suits, anti public schools, (catching my drift?) which led to raising some very narrow minded children.

I was the worst. I went along with her beliefs blindly because that was the way I was brought up. I didn’t have children of my own yet, of course. So when my older sister became a mom in high school, I thought it was the end of the world for her. When my next sister drank caffeine while pregnant, had her baby IN A HOSPITAL with an epidural and then later on decided to use formula, oh my gosh, I couldn’t even wrap my head around that.

But then this crazy thing happened, I GOT PREGNANT. And guess what? I drank caffeine during my pregnancy. It was actually “prescribed” to me by my midwife to help with my migraines. I moved out of state at 37 weeks pregnant, so I didn’t get to have my midwife. Not only did I have my son in a HOSPITAL, 18 hours into my 31+ hour labor, I opted for an EPIDURAL (whaaaaaaa?!)!

I have PCOS and endometriosis, which lead to my milk never coming in. So guess who also had to use formula? That’s right, this Mombie. When it came time to vaccinate, I opted out of all of them. Except for the Vitamin K shot, they wouldn’t circumcise him unless he had it. (My parents didn’t circumcise my brothers. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it, so I left the decision up to my husband. He’s circumcised so he decided to get our son circumcised as well.) Well, when my son was about 4 months whooping cough was in the area, so after doing my research, I decided to get him the DTAP. When he was 15 months, I decided to get him the MMR because Measles was popping up in the area. Later when my daughter was born, I opted to get her the same vaccines. Now I know that everyone has their own opinions on vaccines and to this day, I am pretty sure that I am the only one of my siblings who has gotten their child(ren) vaccinated so far (I Have 4 siblings, boy and girl, who do not have children yet). And you know what? That’s okay. Because I did what I thought was best for my children and they’re doing what they feel is best for theirs!

Some mombies breastfeed because it’s easier, some might because it’s healthier or maybe because someone told them to. Other mombies use formula because their milk never came in or maybe because it’s easier. Some parents never give their children sugar because they feel that it is unhealthy for them. Some parents see nothing wrong with it in moderation.Some parents vaccinate. Some do not. Some parents dress their children gender specific, others might let their children decide for themselves. Some parents let their children watch TV and play on the internet. Some may allow them only a certain amount of time with electronics or none at all. Some parents might let their babies/ chidren cry it out. Others could think of it as counterproductive to a child’s upbringing and never let their child(ren) cry. Some parents choose to co-sleep while other parents let their child sleep in their own room. Some parents choose to feed their children homemade meals and others feel that fast food, eating out or meals from a box are totally okay.

But the cool thing about all of that is, ITS OKAY TO MAKE THE CHOICE FOR YOUSELF and for YOUR children. 

Do your research and make educated decisions. Make sure your child isn’t being harmed. Make sure your child is healthy and then RAISE THEM AS YOU PLEASE. That’s why they’re your children! If we were all meant to raise our children the same, we would be called “robots” instead of “humans”.

So Mombies (and Dadsters), raise your children how you see fit. But please please PLEASE raise them to be respectable adults capable of making good decisions and bring them up to be a responsible addition to society!

Just do your best and let them go. The rest is up to them!

#SelfieGame

So, as I’ve been in quite rare form over the last week (probably due to sleep deprivation. I’ve got 2 teething children in my house at the moment) and everything annoys me, I’ve come to notice just how irritating and cliché selfies are! I mean, don’t get me wrong, I take and post a good selfie of myself every now and then. But let’s get real. The world does not need to see 10-15 pictures a week of your poorly self tanned face, horribly lined eyes and drawn on eyebrows while sporting duck lips.

AIN’T NO BODY GOT TIME FOR THAT. 

                

I’ve had women (and men) respond to my comments about this with, “You may not post lots of pictures of yourself, but you post a million and twelve of your kids”. Uh, yeah? 

They’re a MILLION times more adorable than you and your face.

While I wish that I could just copy and paste some pretty hilarious selfies that I’ve seen there’s apparently something called “Plagiarism” that makes it illegal. So my friends and I took some time out of our days to recreate some of my “favorite” selfies ever

1. “IM BATMAN! I couldn’t remember what color his light stick was, so I just grabbed this one! #Nerd #Batman #ImSuchANerd” also known as “I saw this shirt lying around so I decided to put it on and act like I know who it is and since a light saber is also sci-fi, they have to go together, right?”

2. “Oh my gawd. I don’t even know why I’m posting this. Im SO ugly. No one is even going to comment. #HotMess #IReallyWannaLose3Pounds” aka “I need attention so you all need to ‘like’ and comment telling me to shut up and how gorgeous I am”

(Best Friend, Kimberi Cron)

3. “Basic betches be jealous of my brow game. #EyebrowsSoFleek”. Honey, did you and your brow liner get into a fight? Those aren't brows, they’re more like caterpillars. ****

 

(My Munchkin, Wren Alizabeth)

4. “I seriously am 100% about my kids. I mean, look at me, I’m a mess because my kids get all of my attention. Seriously. They are so lucky to have me. #TheBestMomEver #MomOfTheYear” Maybe if you spent less time taking selfies and captioning with how great of a mother you are, you might actually become that mother.

5. “I’m such a mess. #IWokeUpLikeThis #NoMakeup #NaturalBeauty” Let me help reception that for you, “I just spent 3 hours getting ready but I would die if you all knew that because I want you all to think that I don’t have to work for it like all the rest of you basic betches.”

(Jessica Beamgard of Jessica Beamgard Photography)

6. “Seriously, you guys. I’m so glad that Christ died to save me! #ProudChristian #ILoveJesus” or as I like to call it, “I want to show you my ta-tas but I’d rather not be considered a slut, so I’ll name drop Christ.”

7. “Bae always trying to take pictures of me! #ILoveHim #HesSoFunny #TogetherForever”. Let’s try “I couldn’t be more pathetic. #ForeverAlone”.

8. “Screw ‘No Shave November’ #RealMenGrowBeards #SheWantsTheB”. Uhhhhhhhhh, no she doesn’t. ****

(My Other Munchkin, Daegan James)

9. This one isn’t a common selfie as much as it happens, to even the best of us, and we're always like, “Hey there, Fat Albert!”

10. “Just hanging out, being goofy. #SillySelfie #BurningTime” when actually we all know that you’re guts are currently falling out. I mean, come on. Who is on the toilet just to pee and decides to snap a picture? No one. You’re doing it because you’ve been there awhile and you’re boreddddd. Shower curtain gave you away, Sweetie.

11. “Hard Core! #GymRat #PumpingIron” How about, “I’m just here to take selfies while holding this weight thingy.”

12. “Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. #BeBeautifulOnTheInside #BeYourOwnKindOfBeautiful”  Ummmm, what does that have anything to do with this photo of your flat ass that you’re trying to pop out to make it look like you have a booty but we all know you in real life and know that’s a lie? Stop trying to hide your low IQ with some philosophical quote and a pretty face.

13. “I haven’t posted a picture in awhile. So, well, here’s one. #NeededANewSelfie” I’ll just go ahead and reception this one with “#IClearlyDontKnowHowToOperateMyFrontFacingCamera” because seriously, what’s the point of a selfie if you can’t see your self in it?!

(My Awesome Friend, Valerie Rhein)

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, Mombies, what are some of your pet peeve selfies? Tag me in your mocks on instagram and you just might be featured in our next #SelfieGame!

***No children were harmed in the making of this blog post

A Balanced Diet Is A Cupcake in Each Hand {Celebrity Post}

My name is Mindy and I am a certified personal trainer and group exercise instructor.  When you read that you probably already got an image in your head what I may look like.  Well she is a personal trainer; she must be thin, lots of muscles, and very in shape.  Not necessarily.  Why you ask?  I have an addiction……..It’s called FOOOOD!  And no I am not talking about “food” like veggies and salads.  I am talking about a big ‘ol fat juicy steak or hamburger, with a side of onion rings and finished off with a big ‘ol piece of cheesecake…………. Or any cake will do.    

 

I will get on a kick; I am going to eat clean.  I have many fitness friends that “eat clean” all the time.  They rave about it, “I love clean eating!”  I on the other hand am taking a bite of my tuna with lettuce and tomato and all I can think is “these people are complete morons!  Do they love clean eating because they have never tasted real food before?!”

It is one of the hardest things to do.  It’s a lot of work, a lot of dedication, a lot of extra preparation time.  I get tired just thinking about it.  It’s great to see the results but come on…………

Seriously one of the hardest things for me is trying to eat healthy meals and still serve meals my whole family will eat.  It just doesn’t happen.  I will end up making two separate meals for the day.  I feel like a little kid being punished for misbehaving, when I sit down to the table with a grilled chicken salad and my family is eating a big greasy piece of pizza.

So obviously that doesn’t work well for me.  The next thing I tell myself is, “well why don’t you eat healthy meals twice a day and then just eat whatever for dinner?!?!”  It’s better than not eating healthy at all right? WRONG!!! Well for me at least.  I do so well all day and then it’s like…………….. Give me everything that I didn’t eat all day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So what’s a girl to do?  Really?  Be unhappy and eat rabbit food, or get so obese that I cannot get out of my bed?  Neither is an option for me.  You are not going to see me on the next episode of My 600-lb Life!!! That’s why I am constantly at the gym.  Sometimes, lately, twice a day.  I have come to the realization that I will never look like Jillian Michaels or Kate Upton, but I will be the best version of me that’s possible!  If my husband loves me like I am, and if I can love me for me, well then I am one happy girl.  These are some of the jokes at our house…………

 

  

In all seriousness, you can’t just eat whatever you want and be healthy.  But you can also make lifestyle changes that give you the opportunity to indulge in those foods you like.  You can eat whole grain bread instead of white bread, brown rice instead of white rice, turkey bacon instead of regular bacon……….WHAT??  Ok, never touch the bacon……….. That’s just one of those foods you eat and like it because it’s NOT HEALTHY!  So forget about it.

 

My favorite story is when a lady borrowed my calico bean recipe.  It has hamburger, bacon, five kinds of beans, brown sugar, and white sugar......... you name it and it’s in there.  And it’s delicious!  We arrive at her house and she says “I made your beans, but I made them healthy, but they don’t seem to taste the same.  Maybe you can try them and tell me what I did wrong?”  I had to stand there and gag down the worst tasting beans ever, and then politely say “Some foods just taste good because they are not healthy.  Period.” 

So as for me, I will enjoy the foods I want.  I will not enjoy them all the time, but in moderation.  I will instruct others on how to take care of their bodies, and I will give them information on what their bodies need, but I will never tell them not to enjoy what they like.  If you want a chocolate bar one day…… give it to yourself.  If you are at the point in your life that you are actually worrying about it, well you probable deserve one now and then.

 

So if you are struggling with your diet, I encourage you……….. Love yourself and don’t deprive yourself.  Portion control and moderation, that’s the key.  If you want that occasional glass of wine; go for it.  Stay active, go for a walk, and go to a boot camp class (which I teach btw).  There are ways to take care of yourself without being unhappy.  Check out my website www.meformefitness.com or visit me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/meformefitnesswithmindy . I can give you advice on what changes you can make and still be a happy girl (or guy).  Just remember to love yourself.  It’s the only version of you that you can have in this life.  When you learn to love yourself, you will then learn how to better yourself. 

 

Before I am done, one more fact about bacon…………….

National Basic White Girl Day!

Today marks the first day of fall for 2015 so we all now know what that means; it’s the season of Uggs, scarves, leggings/ yoga pants, sock buns and if you’re a basic white girl, ALL THINGS PUMPKIN.

When fall time comes, I've never really had a reason to decorate, I've tried, but it just never seems to work for me. Whether it be the time, lack of interest, or yeah, probably lack of interest. This year I have kids thought, so for them, I am going to play along. Do the whole thing. Decorate, costumes for Halloween, apple orchards for cider, carving of the pumpkins, roasting pumpkin seeds, etc.
But even as I'm typing this, in my head I'm thinking. ,  "Ha. Who am I kidding? I am a  burnt out single mother of 2 under 16 months. Ain't nobody got time for that." So while I'm starting off the season with high hopes, here's what will more than likely actually happen.

So all of you Fall loving basic white girls, I WILL BE LIVING VICARIOUSLY THROUGH YOU. So try not to consume so much pumpkin, cause that crap is awful.

Have I actually tried most of the pumpkin flavored things? No. But that's because I can't get the idea that it all tastes like play dough out of my head. I actually can't believe how many good things they've taken and turned into basic white girl heaven!

-Pumpkin Oreos

-Pumpkin Vodka

-Pumpkin Beer

-Pumpkin Body Scrubs

-Pumpkin Pop tarts

Seriously, What's next?

You know, its bad enough that when I'm standing in line behind someone a coffee establishment, I can't understand what in the H-E- Double Hockey Sticks someone is orderings and I always feel bad for the barista. I think people who can order a coffee at those places can speak an entirely different language.

"Yes, I speak 3 languages fluently: English, Sarcasm and Starbucks."

Meanwhile......

I AM PAUL RUDD IN A COFFEE SHOP.

I just think you're all confused. Case and point, I have the same argument with my sister non stop (You know who you are). She likes her coffee "black" but with a little creamer in it. THEN ITS NOT BLACK. I tease her about it relentlessly. "I like my pizza plain. But with a little pepperoni on it". Clearly she's confused and clearly I am going to die for telling this story. But the world needs to know.

BLACK COFFEE IS BLACK.

Tonight, I'm leaving you with a little homework assignment, after posting a selfie with your favorite basic white girl drink to our twitter @WalkingMombiee, of course.

Don't forget to report back!



Mind your own Tits! {Celebrity Post}

Following our theme on the blog for the next few weeks "FE+MALE= IRON MAN"  and the empowerment of women, here's to our first of (hopefully) many celebrity posts:

 I am constantly being criticized for feeding my child.

Yes, you read that right. 

 

I feed my baby!

 

 

Crazy, right? I face this backlash for the simple fact that

I choose to feed my baby from my breasts.

 

 

Over time, female breasts have become extremely sexualized. While they are great assets that contribute to our romantic endeavors, that is not their primary purpose.

 

 

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but female breasts exist purely to feed our children. When I go to feed my child, the furthest thing from my mind is how “hot” I look to those around me while I offer my leaking boob to my screaming child. I can assure you that it is not attractive to either party. Anyone with the perverted misconception that it is a sexual act to gain pleasure from probably shouldn't be around any children to begin with.

 

 

Breast milk is the most perfect food for your baby. That statement shouldn’t be offensive simply because it is a fact. There is nothing man-made that can compare to the nourishment of human breast milk.  That being said, a common misconception is that breastfeeding mama’s look down upon those that choose to formula feed. As long as your baby is fed, that is all that matters.

 

 

 

 I nurse my daughter because it's free, I'm lazy, and I hardly miss out on any sleep!

 

Breastfeeding came easy to me and that's one of the many reasons I chose to stick with it. I feel proud of the fact that my body is able to solely sustain my baby’s life. 

 

 

Mothers often face ridicule for their choice, but they also deal with ridiculous “solutions” that some believe make breast feeding more “acceptable”. Nursing mothers are often directed to the bathroom in order to feed their children or are told to use a cover. Do you think you would enjoy a meal in a public restroom? I’m seriously doubtful. It’s disgusting, smelly, and extremely unsanitary.

 

 

And please, try eating with something covering your head and let me know how well that works for you. Some feel the need to ask, “Why don't you just pump or bring a bottle of formula?”

 

 

This is so frustrating because the person sharing this idea obviously doesn’t realize how much more work pumping involves. And if I wanted to give my child formula, I wouldn't be breastfeeding. Again, this is because I have her best interests at heart, not yours merely because you can't keep yourself from staring. So I will not go out of my way to do these things to make YOU more comfortable.

 

 

 

I am a such a huge advocate for breastfeeding, because it is natural and the best food you can give to your baby. Again, that is a fact. I want people to become more aware of the benefits (for baby AND mama)!

 

 I want them to understand that nursing is something to be proud of! You are nourishing your baby, you are the sole reason they are growing and thriving! And that is something to be proud of, mama! When I post photos of me nursing my youngest, it's not to show off my breasts, but I am trying to get your attention. Why? Because I want to NORMALIZE breastfeeding. I want people to be able to walk by a mother nursing her child and not give it a second thought. The fact that I receive more animosity for feeding my child than a woman does while wearing a bikini is ludicrous.

 

 

The hypocrisy in our culture absolutely amazes me. It is my sincerest hope that we can one day live in a society where breast feeding is universally accepted.

 

But until that happens, if you don't like it, don't look!

 

 

At the end of the day, all mama’s want the same thing;

                            Happy babies and some wine.

Ps. Mind your own tits!

 

 

Written By Amber E.

Amber is happily married to Sargent Quentin of the USMC and the mother to two adorable little girls, Rylee (almost 3) and Harlee (6.5 months). She is a strong breastfeeding advocate, she enjoys eating food without having to share and the glamorous luxury of showering by herself. But since those moments to herself are few and far in between, Amber loves spending her time at the pool or the park with her family.