A Balanced Diet Is A Cupcake in Each Hand {Celebrity Post}

My name is Mindy and I am a certified personal trainer and group exercise instructor.  When you read that you probably already got an image in your head what I may look like.  Well she is a personal trainer; she must be thin, lots of muscles, and very in shape.  Not necessarily.  Why you ask?  I have an addiction……..It’s called FOOOOD!  And no I am not talking about “food” like veggies and salads.  I am talking about a big ‘ol fat juicy steak or hamburger, with a side of onion rings and finished off with a big ‘ol piece of cheesecake…………. Or any cake will do.    

 

I will get on a kick; I am going to eat clean.  I have many fitness friends that “eat clean” all the time.  They rave about it, “I love clean eating!”  I on the other hand am taking a bite of my tuna with lettuce and tomato and all I can think is “these people are complete morons!  Do they love clean eating because they have never tasted real food before?!”

It is one of the hardest things to do.  It’s a lot of work, a lot of dedication, a lot of extra preparation time.  I get tired just thinking about it.  It’s great to see the results but come on…………

Seriously one of the hardest things for me is trying to eat healthy meals and still serve meals my whole family will eat.  It just doesn’t happen.  I will end up making two separate meals for the day.  I feel like a little kid being punished for misbehaving, when I sit down to the table with a grilled chicken salad and my family is eating a big greasy piece of pizza.

So obviously that doesn’t work well for me.  The next thing I tell myself is, “well why don’t you eat healthy meals twice a day and then just eat whatever for dinner?!?!”  It’s better than not eating healthy at all right? WRONG!!! Well for me at least.  I do so well all day and then it’s like…………….. Give me everything that I didn’t eat all day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So what’s a girl to do?  Really?  Be unhappy and eat rabbit food, or get so obese that I cannot get out of my bed?  Neither is an option for me.  You are not going to see me on the next episode of My 600-lb Life!!! That’s why I am constantly at the gym.  Sometimes, lately, twice a day.  I have come to the realization that I will never look like Jillian Michaels or Kate Upton, but I will be the best version of me that’s possible!  If my husband loves me like I am, and if I can love me for me, well then I am one happy girl.  These are some of the jokes at our house…………

 

  

In all seriousness, you can’t just eat whatever you want and be healthy.  But you can also make lifestyle changes that give you the opportunity to indulge in those foods you like.  You can eat whole grain bread instead of white bread, brown rice instead of white rice, turkey bacon instead of regular bacon……….WHAT??  Ok, never touch the bacon……….. That’s just one of those foods you eat and like it because it’s NOT HEALTHY!  So forget about it.

 

My favorite story is when a lady borrowed my calico bean recipe.  It has hamburger, bacon, five kinds of beans, brown sugar, and white sugar......... you name it and it’s in there.  And it’s delicious!  We arrive at her house and she says “I made your beans, but I made them healthy, but they don’t seem to taste the same.  Maybe you can try them and tell me what I did wrong?”  I had to stand there and gag down the worst tasting beans ever, and then politely say “Some foods just taste good because they are not healthy.  Period.” 

So as for me, I will enjoy the foods I want.  I will not enjoy them all the time, but in moderation.  I will instruct others on how to take care of their bodies, and I will give them information on what their bodies need, but I will never tell them not to enjoy what they like.  If you want a chocolate bar one day…… give it to yourself.  If you are at the point in your life that you are actually worrying about it, well you probable deserve one now and then.

 

So if you are struggling with your diet, I encourage you……….. Love yourself and don’t deprive yourself.  Portion control and moderation, that’s the key.  If you want that occasional glass of wine; go for it.  Stay active, go for a walk, and go to a boot camp class (which I teach btw).  There are ways to take care of yourself without being unhappy.  Check out my website www.meformefitness.com or visit me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/meformefitnesswithmindy . I can give you advice on what changes you can make and still be a happy girl (or guy).  Just remember to love yourself.  It’s the only version of you that you can have in this life.  When you learn to love yourself, you will then learn how to better yourself. 

 

Before I am done, one more fact about bacon…………….

FE+Male= Iron Man

Women are strong. Women HAVE to be. Pregnancy, childbirth, raising children, raising spouses, plucking, shaving, dying, bleaching, blow drying, straightening, high heels, crazy emotions, the list goes on. Men, what do they have to be strong for? Getting kicked in the balls?

 

I once heard that the definition behind the word “Woman/Women” comes from a warning to the male race. “Woah, man/men”.  A beware! Pfshhhhhh.

We know men are weaker, why do think we let them make all of the decisions? Not because we’re too weak to make them ourselves, but because we want to make sure that they’re going to be committed enough to stick to the choice. Think about it. Proposing? Why do we let the man make the decision on whether they want to be with us for the rest of their life? We don’t. We know we want to be with them otherwise we wouldn’t be. We just have to wait for them to think they’re making the choice because that way they'll be more likely to honor it. They’re like a wild animal. They need to be approached slowly or otherwise, they bolt.

They say that women are difficult to understand and that there’s no way to know what we’re thinking. False.  We are just far too superior for their little minds.

 

We took the time to get to know their habits, understand their fears, and nurse their wounds. Us? They haven’t stopped being wrapped up in themselves long enough yet to even begin to understand how simple we are.

 

I’ve come to notice something as the years have passed, my ex husband always said I never made a decision and that he always had to, but honestly, the only decision I’ve ever seen him make is that I should be the one to make the choices. Case and point, when trying to find some place to eat. He would ask me where we should go, I would usually always respond with, “I don’t care where. You know me, I love food. I can find something anywhere. Plus, I chose last time.” To which he almost always followed that up with, “No, don’t lie. I chose that time. You have to choose this time because you never make the decision.” So then I make the choice only to have this exact conversation the next time it came to choosing where to go… or pretty much any other decision in our lives.

Can I get an “amen”, ladies?

Women are considered equals, but yet we’re required to do more. We now have to be mothers, are expected to work a 40 work week, clean the house, make sure dinner is cooked at a decent time every night, that the man has clean clothes, and that we’re giving enough sex- the good kind, not just simply being there, but the “blow job every night” kind. Oh, we are also expected to keep ourselves in shape as well as have ourselves looking amazing, but not too made up (because didn’t you know, men like the ‘natural look’) every single day too.

Heaven forbid that he helped out on the weekends either. I mean, he’s “been at work all week and would just really like to enjoy the down time” probably to lounge around in his boxers, scratching his gonads and waiting for you to bring him food on top of being his beer bitch. Not paying attention to the fact that you ALSO worked all week (whether at a job or being a stay at home mom, because let’s be honest, that shits tough!). Am I right?

 

 

While a man makes more at his job that his FEMALE secretary usually does everything for him. Women are expected to work harder because we apparently have something to prove to the men, that we are able to carry our own work loads. But in turn, we end up working circles around these men. I’ll bet that when you receive a raise from your male boss for working your ARSE off, jokes are made behind your back about all of the sexual favors you had to perform to receive the promotion you DESERVED to cover the fact that they’re butt hurt about being shown up by a WOMAN!

 

 

Yup, because we SPIT in them!

So as of now, I am declaring the next few weeks #LikeAGirl over here on the Mombie!  I will be having Guest Bloggers speaking on topics ranging from exercise, breast feeding, what its like to work in a predominantly male career, etc! If you're interested in writing a guest post, please do not hesitate to let me know! Wiles.kailei@gmail.com - IG: TheWalkingMombiee. I cannot wait to get these next few weeks rolling!

In the mean time, Mombies....
 

 

Chesticles ( . ) ( . )

Cadillac Bumper Bullets, Love Apples, Tig ol’ Bitties, Knockers, Meat Puppets, Gedoinkers, Dairy Section.... In case you haven’t guessed what I am referring to by now, its BOOBS.

 

You know, the lumps of tissue that hang off of a woman’s chest that a man never quite gets over and that women compare in size to another woman’s to make themselves feel better or worse about themselves. Apparently having them is considered to be some sort of magic power

Well, speaking as someone who has been “blessed” with giant knockers since my 14^th birthday, THEY'RE NOT. Here are just a few reasons why:

 

 

1.     There’s usually more sweat between my yabos than anywhere else on my entire body.

 

 

2.     I don’t think I’ve eaten a single meal in my entire like that my breasts haven’t eaten more of.

              

 

3.      Larger sized bras are EXPENSIVE and usually ugly. I can pretty much bet that when I see a cute bra at the store that they stop at D’s.

Not to mention that mine differ drastically in size... like 1.5 cups different, to be exact. So please explain to me how I am not only supposed to find a bra that is bigger than the average size, but one that will also not eat my small boob alive and yet keep my large one in place?

While we’re on the topic of bras, have you seen what is passing for one now a days?

 



Personally, I like not having to wear one. I am like the big bad wolf when it comes to putting one on; I huff and I puff and hope to find a way to get out of whatever bra wearing task I have to accomplish.

 

MEN WEAR BRAS FOR A WEEK

 4. Exercising is HARD. PAINFUL. NOT WORTH IT.

By the time I “strap” these ladies down, I’ve got on a regular bra, 2 sports bras and sometimes even an ace bandage and yet they STILL have a mind of their own!

I mean, Katy Perry gets it

 

 

5. BACK PAIN. Enough said.

Side Note: Just in case you were wondering, Annie Hawkins-Turner has the world’s largest natural breasts on record. They measure 70 inches around, 43 inches under, and would technically be supported in a 48V bra, if they made that size.

 

 

If men were allowed to have BOOBS

What would they do?

 

They would make every woman get a third... and then a fourth. Because, why stop at two?!

 

Not to say that we women don't find them to be a distraction either....

 

Of course there's the bad too... Sometimes my big ol' mammary glands get in the way and then suddenly I know what a T-Rex feels like

 

Women, lets take a vote:

 

Do we view a man's boobs to be as sensual as they view ours?

 

 

Here's a little trick for the next time you catch a man staring at your chesticles. Because lets face it, with boobs big or small, men stare at them all.

 

For now, I'm going to leave you with a disturbing list of a few celebrities, male and female, that have more than two breasts/ nipples!

1. Lilly Allen
   
    
2. 
   
   Harry Styles - He actually has FOUR
   
3. Carrie Underwood 
   
4. And last but not least, Mark Wahlberg
   

 

 

 

 

Sources:

- http://www.buzzfeed.com/kimberleydadds/7-celebrities-who-are-in-the-triple-nipple-club

- http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinlarosa/boob-truth-talk#.itMmzkGEx1

DIY Tomfoolery Tuesday

So, since today is Tuesday, I figured, lets get our tomfoolery on. DIY tomfoolery.

I've got a serious issue with Pinterest. I have an unhealthy addiction. And not in a "sit there pinning things I'm never going to make" kind of addiction. I mean it in a "THIS IS THE COOLEST THING EVER, I NEED TO MAKE IT NOW!!"

And then runs to the store and buys a million dollars worth of materials, digs through the garbage to collect an empty toilet paper roll that company threw out, saving an ungodly amount of aluminum cans, formula containers, glass jars, coffee cans, magazines, etc. just incase I come a crossed a craft that will require it.

Just a part of my unnatural hoarding. I have an entire bedroom full too. I'd show you, but then I would have to admit I have a problem..... and I don't.......errr...Yeah.

 

Seriously. I pulled a used party out of my sister's garbage last week... Tonight, I saved my chocolate wrappers because they were shiny and gold and who knows, maybe I could find a way to use them? I literally get the shakes when I have to throw something away. Its the worst. Wait, who am I kidding? I love it. Not that I really ever have time to actually make any of these crafts, but I like to tell myself that I will....You know, on that day of the week that never seems to come, the one named "One day".  Plus, its nice to think of a time in the future when I might get a few moments to myself where I can put on some Norah Jones, slip into some comfy pants, grab a bottle (yes, I said a bottle) or two of wine and be able to sit down for a few hours to make all of these beautiful SIMPLE projects that I've had bouncing around in my head for months and months. But in the mean time, I'm completely satisfied with just getting myself and the babies from sun up to sun down. To me, at this point in my life, that is a major accomplishment.

Except I don't shower. Ever. But damn, do I rock the dirty hair tied up in a "mom bun", head band and 2 week old make up. Yeah, that's right. You know its sexy.

But today, D and I decided to tackle the task of creating a yarn and clothes pin picture frame. Directions are as followed.


Supplies:
- Picture Frame
- Yarn (color of your choice)
- Paper Clips
- Pictures

Obviously the paper clips aren't in the picture, but if you don't know what they look like, you've got bigger issues and your mother didn't give you enough chores as a child. So you should probably stop this project now. I wouldn't want you to get your dick and/or yabos (boobs, for those of you who can't catch my drift) stuck in a ceiling fan.

1.Tie the string to the base of the picture frame

2. Start wrapping the yarn around the frame with no specific order or pattern

3. This is where I handed off the project to my main man D to do his part, not quite sure what that was, but man, it looks pretty intricate and I'm sure glad to have him on my team

4. Next D and helped me pick out the best pictures to display. I think he was pretty shocked with my choices. Not too sure if that's a good or bad thing.

 

5. For our next step, D helped me prep the clothes pins. Some of them didn't pass the stress test. Good think I had him here to help me with the heavy lifting, otherwise I'm sure this project would have backfired and I probably would have lost a limb or two.

 

6. Clip the pictures of your choice onto the yarn in an arrangement that is pleasing to the eye, your eye in particular.

 

7. And for the final step, displaying the frame for all to see. Reserve your judgments. My picture frame collage wall is far from being finished, but here's what myself, little D, my little sister, my brother's girlfriend and my dad have constructed so far. Yes, it takes a team when you don't have a creative bone in your body, but you want a pretty house!

 

I'd love to see any finished products you Mombies may have!! In the comments or through my email: Wiles.Kailei@gmail.com





Next, we will tackles something a little harder. After consulting with Noah Calhoun (yes,I know that's not his name, but I like him in that role!) he gave me an idea. Stay tuned for our next "Tomfoolery Tuesday" to see the results!