Chesticles ( . ) ( . )

Cadillac Bumper Bullets, Love Apples, Tig ol’ Bitties, Knockers, Meat Puppets, Gedoinkers, Dairy Section.... In case you haven’t guessed what I am referring to by now, its BOOBS.

 

You know, the lumps of tissue that hang off of a woman’s chest that a man never quite gets over and that women compare in size to another woman’s to make themselves feel better or worse about themselves. Apparently having them is considered to be some sort of magic power

Well, speaking as someone who has been “blessed” with giant knockers since my 14^th birthday, THEY'RE NOT. Here are just a few reasons why:

 

 

1.     There’s usually more sweat between my yabos than anywhere else on my entire body.

 

 

2.     I don’t think I’ve eaten a single meal in my entire like that my breasts haven’t eaten more of.

              

 

3.      Larger sized bras are EXPENSIVE and usually ugly. I can pretty much bet that when I see a cute bra at the store that they stop at D’s.

Not to mention that mine differ drastically in size... like 1.5 cups different, to be exact. So please explain to me how I am not only supposed to find a bra that is bigger than the average size, but one that will also not eat my small boob alive and yet keep my large one in place?

While we’re on the topic of bras, have you seen what is passing for one now a days?

 



Personally, I like not having to wear one. I am like the big bad wolf when it comes to putting one on; I huff and I puff and hope to find a way to get out of whatever bra wearing task I have to accomplish.

 

MEN WEAR BRAS FOR A WEEK

 4. Exercising is HARD. PAINFUL. NOT WORTH IT.

By the time I “strap” these ladies down, I’ve got on a regular bra, 2 sports bras and sometimes even an ace bandage and yet they STILL have a mind of their own!

I mean, Katy Perry gets it

 

 

5. BACK PAIN. Enough said.

Side Note: Just in case you were wondering, Annie Hawkins-Turner has the world’s largest natural breasts on record. They measure 70 inches around, 43 inches under, and would technically be supported in a 48V bra, if they made that size.

 

 

If men were allowed to have BOOBS

What would they do?

 

They would make every woman get a third... and then a fourth. Because, why stop at two?!

 

Not to say that we women don't find them to be a distraction either....

 

Of course there's the bad too... Sometimes my big ol' mammary glands get in the way and then suddenly I know what a T-Rex feels like

 

Women, lets take a vote:

 

Do we view a man's boobs to be as sensual as they view ours?

 

 

Here's a little trick for the next time you catch a man staring at your chesticles. Because lets face it, with boobs big or small, men stare at them all.

 

For now, I'm going to leave you with a disturbing list of a few celebrities, male and female, that have more than two breasts/ nipples!

1. Lilly Allen
   
    
2. 
   
   Harry Styles - He actually has FOUR
   
3. Carrie Underwood 
   
4. And last but not least, Mark Wahlberg
   

 

 

 

 

Sources:

- http://www.buzzfeed.com/kimberleydadds/7-celebrities-who-are-in-the-triple-nipple-club

- http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinlarosa/boob-truth-talk#.itMmzkGEx1

Shark Week

 

“In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth….He then decided to create a man and a woman…He smiled at all of his hard work… And then decided to create temptation….” I'm paraphrasing a bit, but that’s where he facked up.

 

Eve was a woman; obviously she was going to do the first thing that she was instructed not to. Especially because I’m sure that the forbidden fruit was made up of all the flavors of your favorite foods wrapped up into one and then still better yet! That’s probably why she did it. It is called “temptation” after all…. And let’s face it, who thinks of an apple as tempting…specially when on their period? Not I, that’s for sure!  Plus, I'm sure Adam was no help. I mean, he was discovering the female form for himself...

 

Besides, If Eve doomed the entire female gender over a measly apple, just imagine what that betch would have done for a Klondike bar…!

Either way, in the end, us woman were given the curse of pain- From men, children, childbirth and our own bodies trying to kill us, which is also known as a period.

 

Men like to think that we tend to overreact and that they have our periods figured out down to a science: Feed us chocolate and leave us alone. Although that does tend to work sometimes, more times than not, it doesn’t.

 

Mainly because we have no idea ourselves what is going to make us happy.  The average female period (and yes, I have to stress female period because I feel that a man's period lasts for much long and is only painful to us women) last for around 5-7 days, for me, that’s just enough time to figure out how to tame the beast, usually just as my days are coming to an end; So you try to remember everything you learned over the course of this period to help you out on your next one, just to find that nothing is the same. Because each period is different and It makes you feel liek your body has betrayed you and also a tad bit like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

 

 

Next thing you know, you’ve got men telling you what to do. Which makes them sound SO stupid. I mean, when the words “You should exercise, it’ll make you feel better. Just power through the pain, it isn't really that bad” come out of a man’s mouth, my first immediate response ALWAYS is:

 

Because lets be honest here, how am I supposed to "run through the pain" when that pain feels like my uterus has a thousand little drunken unicorns running around in there stabbing at everything? Men just have no idea.

 

 

Coincidentally, my shark week happened on shark week this year. How cool is that?! Not cool. Because when is having your period ever cool? But for those of you who don't get why we call it shark week, here's a diagram because its about more than just the blood

 

I miss being a kid. I didn't have to brush my hair, wear clothes that matched, worry about bills, going to work but mostly I miss not having to do the whole "female adulting" thing.

 

Why can't someone just wake you up every day when you're on your period with your favorite song, beverage (alcoholic or not, no one is judging you) and a massage?

 

They would bring you all sorts of treats through out the day to make you feel better and no one would get angry with your for wanting to kill all of the dumb people.

 

That's the kind of world I would want to live in.

 

But in the mean time, bring me a heating pad, hand me some chocolate and no one had better interrupt my Netflix binge fest.

 

In closing of this post, I just have one thing left to say:

"Thank you, Eve. I hope the apple was worth it."