The Walking Mombie: Chesticles ( . ) ( . )

Cadillac Bumper Bullets, Love Apples, Tig ol’ Bitties, Knockers, Meat Puppets, Gedoinkers, Dairy Section.... In case you haven’t guessed what I am referring to by now, its BOOBS.

You know, the lumps of tissue that hang off of a woman’s chest that a man never quite gets over and that women compare in size to another woman’s to make themselves feel better or worse about themselves. Apparently having them is considered to be some sort of magic power

Well, speaking as someone who has been “blessed” with giant knockers since my 14^th birthday, THEY'RE NOT. Here are just a few reasons why:

1. There’s usually more sweat between my yabos than anywhere else on my entire body.

2. I don’t think I’ve eaten a single meal in my entire like that my breasts haven’t eaten more of.

3. Larger sized bras are EXPENSIVE and usually ugly. I can pretty much bet that when I see a cute bra at the store that they stop at D’s.

Not to mention that mine differ drastically in size... like 1.5 cups different, to be exact. So please explain to me how I am not only supposed to find a bra that is bigger than the average size, but one that will also not eat my small boob alive and yet keep my large one in place?

While we’re on the topic of bras, have you seen what is passing for one now a days?

Personally, I like not having to wear one. I am like the big bad wolf when it comes to putting one on; I huff and I puff and hope to find a way to get out of whatever bra wearing task I have to accomplish.

MEN WEAR BRAS FOR A WEEK

4. Exercising is HARD. PAINFUL. NOT WORTH IT.

By the time I “strap” these ladies down, I’ve got on a regular bra, 2 sports bras and sometimes even an ace bandage and yet they STILL have a mind of their own!

I mean, Katy Perry gets it

5. BACK PAIN. Enough said.

Side Note: Just in case you were wondering, Annie Hawkins-Turner has the world’s largest natural breasts on record. They measure 70 inches around, 43 inches under, and would technically be supported in a 48V bra, if they made that size.

If men were allowed to have BOOBS

What would they do?

They would make every woman get a third... and then a fourth. Because, why stop at two?!

Not to say that we women don't find them to be a distraction either....

Of course there's the bad too... Sometimes my big ol' mammary glands get in the way and then suddenly I know what a T-Rex feels like

Women, lets take a vote:

Do we view a man's boobs to be as sensual as they view ours?

Here's a little trick for the next time you catch a man staring at your chesticles. Because lets face it, with boobs big or small, men stare at them all.