I used to be the perfect parent... and then I had kids.

You know what really tweaks my melons? 

When someone tells me how raise MY kids.

 In particular, when the parent's own children act like the spawn of Satan.

But my absolute favorite parents are the ones without kids. Yup, you read that correctly. I try to take their advice with a grain of salt because in my past life, I was QUEEN of kid-less parenting. I had a solution to every issue you could possible encounter as a parent. Ask anyone, I was the BEST.

• Your child was acting out? 

1. Take their toys away.
2. Swat them on the rear
3. (Age dependent) Give them chores

• If your children didn't listen, it was because you weren't being consistent enough

To me, there was NO excuse to have a child that didn't mind well. I don't know if it was the way I was raised (tough love) or if it was because I knew how I wanted my children to act and I thought all children responded the same way to a certain type of discipline. I thought that if you didn't spank your child, you were being too soft on them. I mean, spanking worked so well on my hypothetical children, so why wouldn't it work on your human kids? Sheesh.

Then the good Lord blessed me with a real live baby.... And not only did he bless with me a baby, but he blessed me with two... 11 months apart. And boy, LET ME TELL YOU.

My first one, a boy, had gastric issues. No one would listen to me, so he screamed A LOT as a baby. Eventually he outgrew them and he weaned himself off of the bottle at 9 months. He is a VERY head strong little boy. He learned to sit up at 3 months, to stand at 6 months and was running by 9. His mind is still always developing faster than his little body is. Therefore, we aren't strangers to melt downs. I like to call them his "Disney princess" moments. 

He climbs on everything. He gets into everything. He watches me do something once (like open the child lock on medications) and he can do it himself immediately afterwards. This child is going to be the death of me because he IS going to give me a heart attack. 

D has a combination of mine and his father's worst traits: my "You can tell me this is going to end badly, but I have to experience it for myself" and his dad's adrenaline seeking gene. So, needless to say, D has to climb and fall, open and get in trouble, get into and make a mess of something 9 or 10 times before he believes that it isn't going to work out or that he will consistently be disciplined. THEN, to top all of that off, he responds negatively to negative punishment. IT LITERALLY DOESN'T WORK. So, my entire "guide to being the perfect parent" is about as useful as a giving a steak to a vegetarian. 

Don't even get me started on my daughter. My hypothetical daughter was always dressed up in a cute outfit. complete with a matching headband and shoes. She had her ears pierced and always her toe nails painted. Now, my real life, human daughter, well, she has NONE of those things. Mainly because I am terrified to take her out in public. 

Why, you might ask? Dear Lord have mercy... She screams NON STOP. I have done everyyyythingggggg- Massages, chiropractor, acid meds, teething meds, colic meds, changing formula (soy and hypoallergenic), changing her diaper brand, wipes, etc. NOTHING WORKS. 

Being an amazing hypothetical parent really set me up to fail when it came to doing the real thing.

So I'm here to tell you a few of the things no one tells someone who is about to become a parent.

-NO, birth is NOT a beautiful thing. Its oozy and goozy and your  postpartum belly will feel like a waterbed 

-NO you will not instantly forget all of the pain you just went through when you see their little face 

-If your child claims it, its theirs. It doesn't matter that it was your last bite, only bite, favorite food. 

-Think of the most annoying song you've ever heard, that's now all your child wants to listen to

-Basically, YOUR CHILD(REN) OWN YOUUUUUU

- Oh, and HIDE EVERYTHING BECAUSE....

And possibly the most important piece of information you can be given as a parent:

Bad days happen. 

You'll get frustrated more than normal, the kids will act out when you are the store, some days only think you will be able to get them to eat will be string cheese and fruit snacks.... But that doesn't make you a bad Mombie.  REPEAT AFTER ME: 

"I am a good Mombie (or Dadcula) and I'm just having a bad day." 

End of story. 

Just to prove you're not alone, I'm adding a hilarious video I stumbled a crossed that shows the inner dialog of parents most days from The Gabbie Show on YouTube

I like to ask myself a question towards the end of the day, every day. "Did I love you enough today?" and if I can't honestly answer that question with a strong "yes", then I spend the rest of my night dedicated to my kids. It doesn't matter that I meant to spend that time washing dishes, folding laundry, watching my shows, playing on my phone to relax- that time is now for my kids. 

I NEVER want them to think that I am too busy to get on the floor and rough house with them, to have a tea party with them, to simply sit down and watch a show or give them my undivided attention without my phone in my hand.

And last but not least, here's a tip for the future that you can thank me for later:

So basically, teach your children how to to make a mean cocktail starting a young age, like 2. You'll have your own personal bartender AND it will also look good on their future resumes.

You're welcome.

How I think you should raise your child(ren)

I’ve noticed that there has been quite a bit of controversy lately over how a person should or should not raise their child(ren).  I’m not sure if that’s the way it’s always been and I’m just noticing it now because I have children or if it is a newer topic. But either way, here is how I feel you should raise your children:

ANY WAY YOU DAMN WELL PLEASE.

As long as your child(ren) are well and safe, who is someone else to say that your way is wrong?

I grew up with a very strong willed and narrow minded mother, which was both a blessing and a curse. She was decisive and always got what she wanted and needed. But the curse came out when it came for her children (my parent have 8) to form an opinion of their own, because that wasn’t allowed. We were raised in more of an old fashioned way. We were brought up with strong Christian rules and that was just the way it was. My mother stayed at home with us children; she also was a home birth midwife who 100% stood behind breastfeeding. She was anti vaccination, anti sugar, anti caffeine, anti pants, anti bathing suits, anti public schools, (catching my drift?) which led to raising some very narrow minded children.

I was the worst. I went along with her beliefs blindly because that was the way I was brought up. I didn’t have children of my own yet, of course. So when my older sister became a mom in high school, I thought it was the end of the world for her. When my next sister drank caffeine while pregnant, had her baby IN A HOSPITAL with an epidural and then later on decided to use formula, oh my gosh, I couldn’t even wrap my head around that.

But then this crazy thing happened, I GOT PREGNANT. And guess what? I drank caffeine during my pregnancy. It was actually “prescribed” to me by my midwife to help with my migraines. I moved out of state at 37 weeks pregnant, so I didn’t get to have my midwife. Not only did I have my son in a HOSPITAL, 18 hours into my 31+ hour labor, I opted for an EPIDURAL (whaaaaaaa?!)!

I have PCOS and endometriosis, which lead to my milk never coming in. So guess who also had to use formula? That’s right, this Mombie. When it came time to vaccinate, I opted out of all of them. Except for the Vitamin K shot, they wouldn’t circumcise him unless he had it. (My parents didn’t circumcise my brothers. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it, so I left the decision up to my husband. He’s circumcised so he decided to get our son circumcised as well.) Well, when my son was about 4 months whooping cough was in the area, so after doing my research, I decided to get him the DTAP. When he was 15 months, I decided to get him the MMR because Measles was popping up in the area. Later when my daughter was born, I opted to get her the same vaccines. Now I know that everyone has their own opinions on vaccines and to this day, I am pretty sure that I am the only one of my siblings who has gotten their child(ren) vaccinated so far (I Have 4 siblings, boy and girl, who do not have children yet). And you know what? That’s okay. Because I did what I thought was best for my children and they’re doing what they feel is best for theirs!

Some mombies breastfeed because it’s easier, some might because it’s healthier or maybe because someone told them to. Other mombies use formula because their milk never came in or maybe because it’s easier. Some parents never give their children sugar because they feel that it is unhealthy for them. Some parents see nothing wrong with it in moderation.Some parents vaccinate. Some do not. Some parents dress their children gender specific, others might let their children decide for themselves. Some parents let their children watch TV and play on the internet. Some may allow them only a certain amount of time with electronics or none at all. Some parents might let their babies/ chidren cry it out. Others could think of it as counterproductive to a child’s upbringing and never let their child(ren) cry. Some parents choose to co-sleep while other parents let their child sleep in their own room. Some parents choose to feed their children homemade meals and others feel that fast food, eating out or meals from a box are totally okay.

But the cool thing about all of that is, ITS OKAY TO MAKE THE CHOICE FOR YOUSELF and for YOUR children. 

Do your research and make educated decisions. Make sure your child isn’t being harmed. Make sure your child is healthy and then RAISE THEM AS YOU PLEASE. That’s why they’re your children! If we were all meant to raise our children the same, we would be called “robots” instead of “humans”.

So Mombies (and Dadsters), raise your children how you see fit. But please please PLEASE raise them to be respectable adults capable of making good decisions and bring them up to be a responsible addition to society!

Just do your best and let them go. The rest is up to them!