Are You Plucking Kidding Me?!

For anyone who knows me, they know that one (of many) things that drive me CRAZY are poorly shaped brows. Seriously. Think of them this way, eyebrows are to the eyes what a push up bra is the tatas. Poor bra? You'll have saggy yabos. Poor brows? You'll have saggy eyes.

RULE#1: Eyebrows should ALWAYS have hair. ALWAYS.

Because "I love your drawn-on eyebrows, They look so natural!", has been said by no one. Ever.

Lets face it, eyebrows speak louder than words. They are SO important. Plus, they're so easy to maintain. Eyebrows are the one thing on a woman’s, nay, a person’s body that can be kept in shape without exercising. 

But you have to be careful. Because as much as you want to make sure they're not too thin (the thinner the brow, the crazier the woman), you also want to make sure that they're not too thick either. But if you've got it, flaunt it. There have been some pretty famous icons who rocked their naturally thick brows:

Audrey Hepburn

Keira Knightley

Jennifer Connelly

 Lily Collins

But ladies, I am here to tell you that if you don't have naturally thick brows, please PLEASE do not COLOR them in to "appear" so. Because THIS is how ridiculous it looks:

WE CAN SEE YOUR REAL BROWS UNDERNEATH!

So Stop. Just stop.

Because I am really starting to worry about the future generations... Case and POINT

THIS girl is receiving compliments on her brows?! 

YES, I understand that I do not have the best brows ever. Would it hurt me to shade them in a bit when I do my makeup? Probably not. But at least I try my best to keep them groomed and as close to the same shape as possible. Keeping in mind that eyebrows are more like sisters than twins.

If you walk away from reading this blog and can only remember one thing (please don't let it be the hot dog Ariel), let it be THIS:

Don't let ANYONE with bad eyebrows tell you SHIT about life!

Oh, and for the heck of it, here are some celebrities without their eyebrows

#SelfieGame

So, as I’ve been in quite rare form over the last week (probably due to sleep deprivation. I’ve got 2 teething children in my house at the moment) and everything annoys me, I’ve come to notice just how irritating and cliché selfies are! I mean, don’t get me wrong, I take and post a good selfie of myself every now and then. But let’s get real. The world does not need to see 10-15 pictures a week of your poorly self tanned face, horribly lined eyes and drawn on eyebrows while sporting duck lips.

AIN’T NO BODY GOT TIME FOR THAT. 

                

I’ve had women (and men) respond to my comments about this with, “You may not post lots of pictures of yourself, but you post a million and twelve of your kids”. Uh, yeah? 

They’re a MILLION times more adorable than you and your face.

While I wish that I could just copy and paste some pretty hilarious selfies that I’ve seen there’s apparently something called “Plagiarism” that makes it illegal. So my friends and I took some time out of our days to recreate some of my “favorite” selfies ever

1. “IM BATMAN! I couldn’t remember what color his light stick was, so I just grabbed this one! #Nerd #Batman #ImSuchANerd” also known as “I saw this shirt lying around so I decided to put it on and act like I know who it is and since a light saber is also sci-fi, they have to go together, right?”

2. “Oh my gawd. I don’t even know why I’m posting this. Im SO ugly. No one is even going to comment. #HotMess #IReallyWannaLose3Pounds” aka “I need attention so you all need to ‘like’ and comment telling me to shut up and how gorgeous I am”

(Best Friend, Kimberi Cron)

3. “Basic betches be jealous of my brow game. #EyebrowsSoFleek”. Honey, did you and your brow liner get into a fight? Those aren't brows, they’re more like caterpillars. ****

 

(My Munchkin, Wren Alizabeth)

4. “I seriously am 100% about my kids. I mean, look at me, I’m a mess because my kids get all of my attention. Seriously. They are so lucky to have me. #TheBestMomEver #MomOfTheYear” Maybe if you spent less time taking selfies and captioning with how great of a mother you are, you might actually become that mother.

5. “I’m such a mess. #IWokeUpLikeThis #NoMakeup #NaturalBeauty” Let me help reception that for you, “I just spent 3 hours getting ready but I would die if you all knew that because I want you all to think that I don’t have to work for it like all the rest of you basic betches.”

(Jessica Beamgard of Jessica Beamgard Photography)

6. “Seriously, you guys. I’m so glad that Christ died to save me! #ProudChristian #ILoveJesus” or as I like to call it, “I want to show you my ta-tas but I’d rather not be considered a slut, so I’ll name drop Christ.”

7. “Bae always trying to take pictures of me! #ILoveHim #HesSoFunny #TogetherForever”. Let’s try “I couldn’t be more pathetic. #ForeverAlone”.

8. “Screw ‘No Shave November’ #RealMenGrowBeards #SheWantsTheB”. Uhhhhhhhhh, no she doesn’t. ****

(My Other Munchkin, Daegan James)

9. This one isn’t a common selfie as much as it happens, to even the best of us, and we're always like, “Hey there, Fat Albert!”

10. “Just hanging out, being goofy. #SillySelfie #BurningTime” when actually we all know that you’re guts are currently falling out. I mean, come on. Who is on the toilet just to pee and decides to snap a picture? No one. You’re doing it because you’ve been there awhile and you’re boreddddd. Shower curtain gave you away, Sweetie.

11. “Hard Core! #GymRat #PumpingIron” How about, “I’m just here to take selfies while holding this weight thingy.”

12. “Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. #BeBeautifulOnTheInside #BeYourOwnKindOfBeautiful”  Ummmm, what does that have anything to do with this photo of your flat ass that you’re trying to pop out to make it look like you have a booty but we all know you in real life and know that’s a lie? Stop trying to hide your low IQ with some philosophical quote and a pretty face.

13. “I haven’t posted a picture in awhile. So, well, here’s one. #NeededANewSelfie” I’ll just go ahead and reception this one with “#IClearlyDontKnowHowToOperateMyFrontFacingCamera” because seriously, what’s the point of a selfie if you can’t see your self in it?!

(My Awesome Friend, Valerie Rhein)

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, Mombies, what are some of your pet peeve selfies? Tag me in your mocks on instagram and you just might be featured in our next #SelfieGame!

***No children were harmed in the making of this blog post