Fries before guys and foods before dudes

First of all, Yes, I mean it.

 

 

There is no man in the world who could convince me that being in a relationship with them is better than spending a special moment with my favorite food(s).

 

I don't care how incredible you man is or may seem to you, at some point, they're going to, or already have, required something of you and quite frankly, I'm just not cut out for that kind of commitment. Food. It never asks anything too complicated of me. I mean, yes, I have to put the container of ice cream back in the freezer once I'm done with it (on the rare occasion that there's any left when I'm finished) or something may need to be warmed up from time to time. Yes, there are things called 'expiration dates'. I guess those are sort of like rules. But don't worry, I still get the upper hand, "Milk, I see that your expiration date was 2 days ago, but because I like to live on the dangerous side, I'm still going to eat you with my cereal."......."Ah-ha, Milk, we meet again. I see now that your expiration date has now passed by two weeks. Well, I think I'll just let you sit in the fridge for just a tad longer. Just to prove that I still have the upper hand in this relationship, plus, I'm too lazy to take care of you right now."

Isn't food going to make me fat? Why, yes, it is. But it's going to do the same thing to you when you're burying your face in a bag of Oreos because your man dumped/cheated on you. So skip the middle and let's just cut to the end--- a relationship

With food.

The plus side of being in a relationship with food? If I don't want to do something,  I DON'T HAVE TO annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd there are no repercussions.

I want pizza but don’t feel like going through the hassle of warming up the oven, opening the box, putting it in the oven, timing it, taking it out, cooling it off and then cutting it (I'm exhausted just thinking about it). I don’t have to. BUT I can still get myself some pizza. It’s all just a phone call away. Cool thing is, it comes all prepared, cut and delivered right to my door step.

 I don’t have to be pretty for pizza, I don’t have to change out of my pajamas for pizza, I don’t even have to shave my legs for my pizza.

 

Pizza, well all food, it just understands. There is no getting all dolled up on date nights, there aren’t arguments and the only baby I have to worry about catching from a fun night in is a food baby.

See, the thing with guys is, there’s always competition. You always have to work to keep your man interested. Complicated underwear, working out, shaving everything from your eyebrows down, nails done, hair and make up on point, tickling his pickle from time to time

And lets face it, there's still always that chance that another slime bag of a "woman" is going to be able to get her grimy hands on him still. So lets be clear, someone might try to take my boyfriend/fiancé/husband/girlfriend/wife/etc and they just might be successful at that, but bitches know better than to touch my food.

One of the VERY obvious perks of being in a relationship with food is that I can indulge in whatever I want whenever I want without the name calling.

Now try doing that with men and see how well that works out for you.

 

The feeling of being full trumps the feeling of love any day. I mean, what kind of crazy says something like this?

Justin's obviously never had a good slice of cheese cake.

I mean, everyone around me is getting boyfriends/girlfriends or getting married and I'm just getting a divorce over in my little time vortex of a home and trying to solve some pretty serious issues that I've been having. Like not having enough fingers.

 

Another perk of food not requiring me to be high maintenance? Alternative ways to losing weight.

How easy is that?!

 

Well, I guess that if you tried farting in front of your man there's a chance that you could lose some weight...like 200lbs or so. Because he could be so grossed out that he would dump your tuchas.

 

Going to the bar is a real drag too. I mean, can't guys just understand that I'm there for a night with my girls and the free stuff.  Buying me drinks its nice and all, but what I really came here for is the free food.

 

Sometimes you get lucky and the guy will not only buy you the cheese sticks, but he wont stick around to help eat them either. Those are the best kinds of guys.

 

 

 

So the next time you're tempted to say "yes" to that cute guy that you've had your eye on for awhile, remember this:

FOOD TASTES BETTER THAN TEARS

 

 

Tell that loser

 

And then go home and treat yourself to a stuffed crust pizza, because you, Honey, just dodged a bullet!