This salad tastes like I'd rather be fat

Ya’ll are so concerned about getting ready for summer: Getting your fingers and toe nails buffed and polished, scheduling an appointment with your stylist to get that flawless summer color; Eating bland, green foods to ensure that you'll be able to fit into that perfect bathing suit, achieving the perfect summer body and shaving your legs in preparation for the beach. But my question is: Why are we all so wrapped up in prepping our bodies for the summer when our winter bodies are just as, if not more, important?! I mean, sure, taking a road trip with the girls and jamming out to “all the single ladies” with such enthusiasm that Beyonce becomes the backup singer is all good and fun when the sun is shining and your hair is blowing in the wind.

 

 But are all those single ladies, that gorgeous bikini body and those bald legs going to be there to keep you warm in say, January, when you haven’t seen the sun in what seems like ages and you’re outside shoveling the never ending pile of snow from your driveway while listening to Eric Carmen’s “All By Myself” on repeat? NO. Didn’t think so.

So while you’re all busy wasting your time on your summertime sadness food (hey, Lana Del Ray said it, not me), let me tell you the 12 reasons that I can’t diet on a yearly basis.

January: “I can’t diet this month. I’ll freeze to death without my fluff to keep me warm.”

February: “I can’t diet this month because it would be rude to not eat every bite of chocolate that I get from all of my secret admirers."

this is you------>

 

This is also when you'll start working on your hot bod and then I'll  show how much I support you and how great of a friend I am by baking you something that you love.

 

  March: “I can’t diet this month because March is depressing, therefore, I need comfort food.”

  (Always say "yes" to Taco Bell)

April: “I can’t diet this month because I have to pretend that I have kids who are participating in local Easter egg hunt. I Need to be able to hop in on the action and grab myself some free goods and who would believe me if I didn’t have the voluptuous shape of a ‘Mom Bod’? (I realize not all Moms have the Mom Bod and don't worry, the rest of us hate you for it.)  And since I never half ass anything, I can't just stuff my shirt. It's all or nothing, baby."

May: “I can’t diet this month, because it’s already too late to get my body bikini ready. I mean, I tried working out once, but I didn't seem to get any results. Plus, I think I was allergic. I was sweating, my heart rate was elevated, my cheeks were flush and could barely breathe.”

 

June: “I can’t diet this month- it’s my birthday (sorry, but you’re going to have to come up with your own reason for June.)  so, booze. Booze. BOOZE.”

July: “I can’t diet this month. There are too many BBQ’s/ open houses and those plates are heavy, so I need the extra carbs to ensure that I’ll be able to lift them. Don't worry, I double fist to keep my arm muscles even.”

August: “I can’t diet this month. I need all of the extra sugar that the elephant ears provide to ensure that I don’t collapse from the heat while walking around at all of the summer festivals and concerts.”

September: “I can’t diet this month because of who I am as a person, also, I start growing out my leg hair during this month. That takes a lot of nutrition, dedication and hard work, so I need the all of the extra calories I can get.”

 

October: “I can’t diet this month. I have to start working on my winter body. Thank youuuu, Halloween candy!”

 

November: “I can’t diet this month. It’s Thanksgiving and I wouldn't want to hurt my Granny's feelings so I sacrifice myself and throw myself at all of that horribly unhealthy food. Sometimes I even use a plate.”

December: “I can’t diet this month. It’s too colddd and but I've decided to eat a salad. Recipe is as follows:

Step 1: Substitute salad for pizza.

Step 2: Add beverage of choice and enjoy!

 

 But hey, have fun sitting there being a skinny betch, eating your green foods and being sad because I’ll have no issue finishing off this jar of nutella with a spoon…… by myself.  In front of you. 

 

And if all else fails.....

 

 But best of luck on your weight becoming as low as your self-esteem 😘