DIY Tomfoolery Tuesday

So, since today is Tuesday, I figured, lets get our tomfoolery on. DIY tomfoolery.

I've got a serious issue with Pinterest. I have an unhealthy addiction. And not in a "sit there pinning things I'm never going to make" kind of addiction. I mean it in a "THIS IS THE COOLEST THING EVER, I NEED TO MAKE IT NOW!!"

And then runs to the store and buys a million dollars worth of materials, digs through the garbage to collect an empty toilet paper roll that company threw out, saving an ungodly amount of aluminum cans, formula containers, glass jars, coffee cans, magazines, etc. just incase I come a crossed a craft that will require it.

Just a part of my unnatural hoarding. I have an entire bedroom full too. I'd show you, but then I would have to admit I have a problem..... and I don't.......errr...Yeah.

 

Seriously. I pulled a used party out of my sister's garbage last week... Tonight, I saved my chocolate wrappers because they were shiny and gold and who knows, maybe I could find a way to use them? I literally get the shakes when I have to throw something away. Its the worst. Wait, who am I kidding? I love it. Not that I really ever have time to actually make any of these crafts, but I like to tell myself that I will....You know, on that day of the week that never seems to come, the one named "One day".  Plus, its nice to think of a time in the future when I might get a few moments to myself where I can put on some Norah Jones, slip into some comfy pants, grab a bottle (yes, I said a bottle) or two of wine and be able to sit down for a few hours to make all of these beautiful SIMPLE projects that I've had bouncing around in my head for months and months. But in the mean time, I'm completely satisfied with just getting myself and the babies from sun up to sun down. To me, at this point in my life, that is a major accomplishment.

Except I don't shower. Ever. But damn, do I rock the dirty hair tied up in a "mom bun", head band and 2 week old make up. Yeah, that's right. You know its sexy.

But today, D and I decided to tackle the task of creating a yarn and clothes pin picture frame. Directions are as followed.


Supplies:
- Picture Frame
- Yarn (color of your choice)
- Paper Clips
- Pictures

Obviously the paper clips aren't in the picture, but if you don't know what they look like, you've got bigger issues and your mother didn't give you enough chores as a child. So you should probably stop this project now. I wouldn't want you to get your dick and/or yabos (boobs, for those of you who can't catch my drift) stuck in a ceiling fan.

1.Tie the string to the base of the picture frame

2. Start wrapping the yarn around the frame with no specific order or pattern

3. This is where I handed off the project to my main man D to do his part, not quite sure what that was, but man, it looks pretty intricate and I'm sure glad to have him on my team

4. Next D and helped me pick out the best pictures to display. I think he was pretty shocked with my choices. Not too sure if that's a good or bad thing.

 

5. For our next step, D helped me prep the clothes pins. Some of them didn't pass the stress test. Good think I had him here to help me with the heavy lifting, otherwise I'm sure this project would have backfired and I probably would have lost a limb or two.

 

6. Clip the pictures of your choice onto the yarn in an arrangement that is pleasing to the eye, your eye in particular.

 

7. And for the final step, displaying the frame for all to see. Reserve your judgments. My picture frame collage wall is far from being finished, but here's what myself, little D, my little sister, my brother's girlfriend and my dad have constructed so far. Yes, it takes a team when you don't have a creative bone in your body, but you want a pretty house!

 

I'd love to see any finished products you Mombies may have!! In the comments or through my email: Wiles.Kailei@gmail.com





Next, we will tackles something a little harder. After consulting with Noah Calhoun (yes,I know that's not his name, but I like him in that role!) he gave me an idea. Stay tuned for our next "Tomfoolery Tuesday" to see the results!

Shark Week

 

“In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth….He then decided to create a man and a woman…He smiled at all of his hard work… And then decided to create temptation….” I'm paraphrasing a bit, but that’s where he facked up.

 

Eve was a woman; obviously she was going to do the first thing that she was instructed not to. Especially because I’m sure that the forbidden fruit was made up of all the flavors of your favorite foods wrapped up into one and then still better yet! That’s probably why she did it. It is called “temptation” after all…. And let’s face it, who thinks of an apple as tempting…specially when on their period? Not I, that’s for sure!  Plus, I'm sure Adam was no help. I mean, he was discovering the female form for himself...

 

Besides, If Eve doomed the entire female gender over a measly apple, just imagine what that betch would have done for a Klondike bar…!

Either way, in the end, us woman were given the curse of pain- From men, children, childbirth and our own bodies trying to kill us, which is also known as a period.

 

Men like to think that we tend to overreact and that they have our periods figured out down to a science: Feed us chocolate and leave us alone. Although that does tend to work sometimes, more times than not, it doesn’t.

 

Mainly because we have no idea ourselves what is going to make us happy.  The average female period (and yes, I have to stress female period because I feel that a man's period lasts for much long and is only painful to us women) last for around 5-7 days, for me, that’s just enough time to figure out how to tame the beast, usually just as my days are coming to an end; So you try to remember everything you learned over the course of this period to help you out on your next one, just to find that nothing is the same. Because each period is different and It makes you feel liek your body has betrayed you and also a tad bit like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

 

 

Next thing you know, you’ve got men telling you what to do. Which makes them sound SO stupid. I mean, when the words “You should exercise, it’ll make you feel better. Just power through the pain, it isn't really that bad” come out of a man’s mouth, my first immediate response ALWAYS is:

 

Because lets be honest here, how am I supposed to "run through the pain" when that pain feels like my uterus has a thousand little drunken unicorns running around in there stabbing at everything? Men just have no idea.

 

 

Coincidentally, my shark week happened on shark week this year. How cool is that?! Not cool. Because when is having your period ever cool? But for those of you who don't get why we call it shark week, here's a diagram because its about more than just the blood

 

I miss being a kid. I didn't have to brush my hair, wear clothes that matched, worry about bills, going to work but mostly I miss not having to do the whole "female adulting" thing.

 

Why can't someone just wake you up every day when you're on your period with your favorite song, beverage (alcoholic or not, no one is judging you) and a massage?

 

They would bring you all sorts of treats through out the day to make you feel better and no one would get angry with your for wanting to kill all of the dumb people.

 

That's the kind of world I would want to live in.

 

But in the mean time, bring me a heating pad, hand me some chocolate and no one had better interrupt my Netflix binge fest.

 

In closing of this post, I just have one thing left to say:

"Thank you, Eve. I hope the apple was worth it."

Fries before guys and foods before dudes

First of all, Yes, I mean it.

 

 

There is no man in the world who could convince me that being in a relationship with them is better than spending a special moment with my favorite food(s).

 

I don't care how incredible you man is or may seem to you, at some point, they're going to, or already have, required something of you and quite frankly, I'm just not cut out for that kind of commitment. Food. It never asks anything too complicated of me. I mean, yes, I have to put the container of ice cream back in the freezer once I'm done with it (on the rare occasion that there's any left when I'm finished) or something may need to be warmed up from time to time. Yes, there are things called 'expiration dates'. I guess those are sort of like rules. But don't worry, I still get the upper hand, "Milk, I see that your expiration date was 2 days ago, but because I like to live on the dangerous side, I'm still going to eat you with my cereal."......."Ah-ha, Milk, we meet again. I see now that your expiration date has now passed by two weeks. Well, I think I'll just let you sit in the fridge for just a tad longer. Just to prove that I still have the upper hand in this relationship, plus, I'm too lazy to take care of you right now."

Isn't food going to make me fat? Why, yes, it is. But it's going to do the same thing to you when you're burying your face in a bag of Oreos because your man dumped/cheated on you. So skip the middle and let's just cut to the end--- a relationship

With food.

The plus side of being in a relationship with food? If I don't want to do something,  I DON'T HAVE TO annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd there are no repercussions.

I want pizza but don’t feel like going through the hassle of warming up the oven, opening the box, putting it in the oven, timing it, taking it out, cooling it off and then cutting it (I'm exhausted just thinking about it). I don’t have to. BUT I can still get myself some pizza. It’s all just a phone call away. Cool thing is, it comes all prepared, cut and delivered right to my door step.

 I don’t have to be pretty for pizza, I don’t have to change out of my pajamas for pizza, I don’t even have to shave my legs for my pizza.

 

Pizza, well all food, it just understands. There is no getting all dolled up on date nights, there aren’t arguments and the only baby I have to worry about catching from a fun night in is a food baby.

See, the thing with guys is, there’s always competition. You always have to work to keep your man interested. Complicated underwear, working out, shaving everything from your eyebrows down, nails done, hair and make up on point, tickling his pickle from time to time

And lets face it, there's still always that chance that another slime bag of a "woman" is going to be able to get her grimy hands on him still. So lets be clear, someone might try to take my boyfriend/fiancé/husband/girlfriend/wife/etc and they just might be successful at that, but bitches know better than to touch my food.

One of the VERY obvious perks of being in a relationship with food is that I can indulge in whatever I want whenever I want without the name calling.

Now try doing that with men and see how well that works out for you.

 

The feeling of being full trumps the feeling of love any day. I mean, what kind of crazy says something like this?

Justin's obviously never had a good slice of cheese cake.

I mean, everyone around me is getting boyfriends/girlfriends or getting married and I'm just getting a divorce over in my little time vortex of a home and trying to solve some pretty serious issues that I've been having. Like not having enough fingers.

 

Another perk of food not requiring me to be high maintenance? Alternative ways to losing weight.

How easy is that?!

 

Well, I guess that if you tried farting in front of your man there's a chance that you could lose some weight...like 200lbs or so. Because he could be so grossed out that he would dump your tuchas.

 

Going to the bar is a real drag too. I mean, can't guys just understand that I'm there for a night with my girls and the free stuff.  Buying me drinks its nice and all, but what I really came here for is the free food.

 

Sometimes you get lucky and the guy will not only buy you the cheese sticks, but he wont stick around to help eat them either. Those are the best kinds of guys.

 

 

 

So the next time you're tempted to say "yes" to that cute guy that you've had your eye on for awhile, remember this:

FOOD TASTES BETTER THAN TEARS

 

 

Tell that loser

 

And then go home and treat yourself to a stuffed crust pizza, because you, Honey, just dodged a bullet!

 

Exhausted mombie goes WILD.

So, this weekend I had an opportunity to do something that I have gotten to do only a few times since my kids were born—Have baby free time with an adult beverage.

 

But don’t worry. When I go out I am a responsible adult. I only drink a little, but when I do, I turn into another person, and that person, well, she drinks A LOT. 

And what was this lovely place that I was able to escape away to for a few hours with friends? BUD BASH 2015, Betches!

 

It was everything you expected it to be. Hundreds of wasted men and women in hip deep water, toting tubes and coolers behind them; people dancing on the multiple floating stripper poles, taking jello shots from strangers

 

letting strange men blow “titty glitter” on your chest in exchange for an ass grab. All while a double decker boat (courtesy of Bud Light) was blaring all of today’s top hits so loud, you could barely think. It was amazing.

Two hands+two drinks= common sense
Two hands+Four drinks= well, that's just genius.

 

Some of the highlights were:

- When this lovely gentleman decided to slap my phone out of my hand as I walked by, screaming at me, “YOUR PHONE ISN’T WATER PROOF!”… Like he was doing me a favor. My consolation prize? A phone full of water.

-Walking face first into woman’s naked breast. Like, I couldn’t have motor boated her any harder if I had intentionally tried.

-Standing next to someone and all of a sudden feeling the water go warm

-Not being used to eating fast food and mowing down on McDonald’s before heading out on the water where there was no rest room and having to actively clench your butthole to keep it from throwing up. (I’m obviously telling this part of the story for a friend………….)

-When I had to tell my family the next day at my Grandparents’ 50^th wedding anniversary party that I had converted to Hinduism to spare them the “drunk me thought it was a great idea to stick a diamond to the middle of my forehead for no less than a few hours because I thought I looked cool” because of the lovely tan line.

 

-Shooting beer bongs in front of the SHERRIF. Cause she’s a Bad Betchhhhh

 

 

Sounds incredible, right?

Now onto the real story: THE RECOVERY.

 

While most of you are probably just assuming that I am referring to a hangover (and most of the people who where there had that issue, I’m sure), but for me, it was the SLEEP. Two days later and I still haven’t recovered. Truthfully, I probably never will. Now, before you tell me to stop being so dramatic, I want you to understand where I am coming from. While I love my kids, they always are able to sense when this mombie needs more time to herself....and then they decide to do me the favor of taking a break from our daily routine to spaz out.

 

My kids have never slept worse in their lives. Like, seriously. My children consistently are in by 8:30 pm and sleep in until 7:30am. (I’m spoiled, I know. But for the sake of the blog, read my story and feel sorry for me.) But between the both of them, I don’t think I have slept for more than an hour at a time since my “day out”. 

Since day one, my kids have never napped at the same time. I’ll bet that you’re now waiting for me to say, “until today” and I so so so wish that I was about to, but I’m not. Not only have do they not take naps at the same time, but they’ve both decided to boycott them all together. Earlier I was so tired, I had an actual hallucination.

Wanna know who I saw? Noah Calhoun (yes, I know that’s not his real name. But I liked his role in that movie and it physically makes me sick that he isn’t a real person). And he whispered sweet nothings in my ear

I almost fell for it, Ryan, I almost did.

I once heard something that stuck with me, “The hardest part about being a mom is knowing that I have to keep another human being alive.”  Seems like common sense, right? Well, its not always. Some days you just wanna be selfish and tell your 14 month old, "No, we're not waking up yet" or "Mommy is watching her show right now and is too lazy to get up, could you change your sister?"

 

I woke up this morning thinking

 And then I remembered, "Oh, wait. That’s how we got here in the first place."  Then I go on a search for some coffee, just to see that my sister doesn't have grounds OR filters. What kind of person lets their coffee run out?

THE WORST KIND.

 

And while I know that I'm not alone in being a single mombie who just wants a moment, a day or a shower to themselves, its a hard choice to make even when you  are given an opportunity to take some time off. Because its just so hard to know how long its going to take to recover. But take it, girl. You deserve some time off. Even if its just to paint your toe nails in SILENCE.

Oh yeah, before I forget, when I was talking to Channing Tatum earlier, he said to give you a personal message:

 

Kids are finally asleep so,

 

Mombie OUT!