You know what really tweaks my melons?
When someone tells me how raise MY kids.
In particular, when the parent's own children act like the spawn of Satan.
But my absolute favorite parents are the ones without kids. Yup, you read that correctly. I try to take their advice with a grain of salt because in my past life, I was QUEEN of kid-less parenting. I had a solution to every issue you could possible encounter as a parent. Ask anyone, I was the BEST.
- Your child was acting out?
- Take their toys away.
- Swat them on the rear
- (Age dependent) Give them chores
- If your children didn't listen, it was because you weren't being consistent enough
To me, there was NO excuse to have a child that didn't mind well. I don't know if it was the way I was raised (tough love) or if it was because I knew how I wanted my children to act and I thought all children responded the same way to a certain type of discipline. I thought that if you didn't spank your child, you were being too soft on them. I mean, spanking worked so well on my hypothetical children, so why wouldn't it work on your human kids? Sheesh.
Then the good Lord blessed me with a real live baby.... And not only did he bless with me a baby, but he blessed me with two... 11 months apart. And boy, LET ME TELL YOU.
My first one, a boy, had gastric issues. No one would listen to me, so he screamed A LOT as a baby. Eventually he outgrew them and he weaned himself off of the bottle at 9 months. He is a VERY head strong little boy. He learned to sit up at 3 months, to stand at 6 months and was running by 9. His mind is still always developing faster than his little body is. Therefore, we aren't strangers to melt downs. I like to call them his "Disney princess" moments.
He climbs on everything. He gets into everything. He watches me do something once (like open the child lock on medications) and he can do it himself immediately afterwards. This child is going to be the death of me because he IS going to give me a heart attack.
D has a combination of mine and his father's worst traits: my "You can tell me this is going to end badly, but I have to experience it for myself" and his dad's adrenaline seeking gene. So, needless to say, D has to climb and fall, open and get in trouble, get into and make a mess of something 9 or 10 times before he believes that it isn't going to work out or that he will consistently be disciplined. THEN, to top all of that off, he responds negatively to negative punishment. IT LITERALLY DOESN'T WORK. So, my entire "guide to being the perfect parent" is about as useful as a giving a steak to a vegetarian.
Don't even get me started on my daughter. My hypothetical daughter was always dressed up in a cute outfit. complete with a matching headband and shoes. She had her ears pierced and always her toe nails painted. Now, my real life, human daughter, well, she has NONE of those things. Mainly because I am terrified to take her out in public.
Why, you might ask? Dear Lord have mercy... She screams NON STOP. I have done everyyyythingggggg- Massages, chiropractor, acid meds, teething meds, colic meds, changing formula (soy and hypoallergenic), changing her diaper brand, wipes, etc. NOTHING WORKS.
Being an amazing hypothetical parent really set me up to fail when it came to doing the real thing.
So I'm here to tell you a few of the things no one tells someone who is about to become a parent.
-NO, birth is NOT a beautiful thing. Its oozy and goozy and your postpartum belly will feel like a waterbed
-NO you will not instantly forget all of the pain you just went through when you see their little face
-If your child claims it, its theirs. It doesn't matter that it was your last bite, only bite, favorite food.
-Think of the most annoying song you've ever heard, that's now all your child wants to listen to
-Basically, YOUR CHILD(REN) OWN YOUUUUUU
- Oh, and HIDE EVERYTHING BECAUSE....
And possibly the most important piece of information you can be given as a parent:
Bad days happen.
You'll get frustrated more than normal, the kids will act out when you are the store, some days only think you will be able to get them to eat will be string cheese and fruit snacks.... But that doesn't make you a bad Mombie. REPEAT AFTER ME:
"I am a good Mombie (or Dadcula) and I'm just having a bad day."
End of story.
Just to prove you're not alone, I'm adding a hilarious video I stumbled a crossed that shows the inner dialog of parents most days from The Gabbie Show on YouTube
I like to ask myself a question towards the end of the day, every day. "Did I love you enough today?" and if I can't honestly answer that question with a strong "yes", then I spend the rest of my night dedicated to my kids. It doesn't matter that I meant to spend that time washing dishes, folding laundry, watching my shows, playing on my phone to relax- that time is now for my kids.
I NEVER want them to think that I am too busy to get on the floor and rough house with them, to have a tea party with them, to simply sit down and watch a show or give them my undivided attention without my phone in my hand.
And last but not least, here's a tip for the future that you can thank me for later:
So basically, teach your children how to to make a mean cocktail starting a young age, like 2. You'll have your own personal bartender AND it will also look good on their future resumes.
You're welcome.
